Why I Smile
by Heza-chan X3
Summary: Today someone asked me how I can smile all the time. It's an interesting question. If you must know it's because of him. It's all his fault.


Today someone asked me how I can smile all the time. Apparently certain weather situations call for frowning. I wasn't informed. I wouldn't have been frowning anyway. I don't frown. I don't allow myself to frown.

Why I smile.

It's an interesting question I suppose. It doesn't have a short answer. It's a long list of reasons, but they are all because of _him_. They are all his fault. The man who stole my heart and then threw it on the ground in front of me with a calculating smirk and a twisted sense of mercy. He said it was for my own good.

He was dead wrong.

But that isn't the point, is it? No. Why I smile. Let's get back to that. At first I smiled because I thought he needed it. He had looked so…miserable…that I couldn't help but give him the same pitying smile that I now despise. He had been sitting there alone, staring off into emptiness. So I smiled at him. He didn't see me.

If I was smart I would've given up then. I wouldn't have set myself up for failure, for pain. When he stared right through me I should have just walked away for good. But I couldn't.

Things changed and we spent more time together. We worked together, we were a team. Then I smiled because he was dear to me. As I spent more time with him I grew to understand him, or at least I thought I did. You could never really get past his guard. He was so logical. He avoided emotion whenever possible, so if you wanted to get close to him you had to be careful.

I was careful of him, but not careful of myself. In trying to get past his guard I let down my own and I fell in love with him. That was my new reason to smile. Every second I spent with him was joy. Whether we were fighting, relaxing, or just in each other's presence I was overjoyed at just being around him. So I smiled.

But as it had before, life changed. He didn't want me. He was leaving. I wasn't good enough to keep him here. He was expecting me to show weakness. To cry. So I smiled at him. I think that scared him more.

He left and I was devastated. I holed myself up in my room, the twisted smile still on my face. I was waiting to wake up. They were waiting for me to get over it. I didn't wake up, and I didn't get over it. They forced me into therapy. A woman smiled sympathetically at me and I sat there and lied about my feelings. She was stupid. She believed me. My liar's smile fooled her.

Time moved forward even though my life was over. I went to work. I went home. I smiled at the people I called my friends, allowing them to think that I was fine. That I wasn't still a wreck. That I wasn't empty. Some days it showed though, back before I had all the practice I've had. Then that disgusting smile that I had smiled at _him_ appeared on their faces. Pity. I would not be pitied. There was no sense in it. Why would you pity something that was dead? It made no sense to me. So I smiled brighter and the pity smiles lessened.

I smiled and laughed when they asked about the scars. I fell. Oh, that thing? I burnt myself on the stove. I accidentally cut myself making dinner. Cut myself shaving. I had to be careful where I left the scars. Otherwise people would catch on. Then they would send me back to therapy. I refuse to go back to therapy.

I guess it's like a mask. I wear it, they only see the front, and they don't ask to see what's behind it. As long as I keep it on they'll think I'm fine and they'll let me alone. I want them to leave me alone. I hate that they aren't broken like I am. They never see the pain I feel and it fills the empty with contempt. When I'm alone the contempt goes away and I'm just empty again.

I see _him_ sometimes. He'll ask me how I am and I'll smile. I smile so he won't see how he destroyed me. I want to ask him how it feels to kill someone's soul. But I keep my smile on my face and lie through my teeth. It's like a game sometimes. He knows me too well though. I think he knows that my smiles are lies. I think it bothers him. I hope it does.

Apparently my lying smiles are too convincing. They make people think they can get close to me. People tell me they love me and I smile and tell them that they need to look for love elsewhere. I have no love left to give.

Every day I walk through life with a smile. If I don't wear a smile people worry. People pity, because they think they know what has happened to me. The few people who can see through the smile have stopped asking if I'm okay. By now they know that I'm lost. They know I've died. They're just waiting for me to make it official. I won't. I know I won't, though some days I'm closer to that ledge than others. But I won't. I swear. I won't give _him_ that.

He wears a liar's smile now too. I see it when he looks at me. He smiles at me. I smile back of course. I think he's trying to turn my smile real again. You can't turn lead into gold darling.

My smile protects the people I loved before. I guess that means on some level I'm feeling something, because otherwise I wouldn't care about their pain at all. I wouldn't care that they look at me with sadness and pity and a small bit of disgust. Yes, disgust. Disgust that I let him break me like this. They should've known it would happen. I should've too.

I smile so that they won't see. So that people will still think I'm alive. So that they'll ask me how I can smile all the time, how I can live without letting anything affect me.

The smile is the façade.

It saves others and condemns me to my misery.

Someone asked me today how I can smile all the time.

"What's there to frown about?" I ask. The someone shrugged and walked away.

I smile.

So there it is. I hope you enjoyed it. It's darker than what I'm used to writing. If you want to review, review. But no flames, please. I'm not looking for criticism. I put this on FF so that others can see my work, not tear it apart. So in true Heza-chan fashion I bid you all adieu, I am going to go kiss a panda.


End file.
